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Too many e-mails.

Roberto Henry Ebelt


Too many e-mails.

How many hours do you spend per day in reading the e-mails that you receive every 24 hours/7 days a week? I certainly spend more than one hour, even now that I have decided to select the ones that I am going to read, according to its SUBJECT. If the subject does not appeal to my interests, I simply delete them. I came to the conclusion that if I hadn't made this decision, I would not have time to do anything else in my life. I have just received an e-mail from a friend with a long but very funny content, so I have decided to share it with you. It is about the problem of receiving too many stupid and useless e-mails.

(A palavra STUPID deve ser interpretada como BOBO, A e não como ESTÚPIDO ou ESTÚPIDA)
Enjoy the text:

"As we have come to the end of 2010 I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails this year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I cannot use the remote in a hotel room because I do not know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I cannot sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans-fats I have consumed over the years.
I cannot touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
IN ADDITION, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish.
I cannot have a drink in a bar because I will wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I cannot eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I cannot use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS to you, I have learned that my prayers only are answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy diesel without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their cans.
I no longer use Cling Film in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW that I cannot boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or DHL since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
THANKS TO YOU, I cannot use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my arse.
THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE, I cannot ever pick up £2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because a sex molester, waiting to grab me as I bend over, probably placed it there.
I no longer drive my car because buying petrol from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying petrol from all the others supports South American dictators.
I cannot do any gardening because I am afraid the Violin Spider will bite me and my hand will fall off.
If you do not send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy humph. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician…
Oh, by the way, a German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Do not bother taking it off now; it is too late.

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet".

Now, what will 2011 hold?

Have a nice weekend.

Tags: Roberto Henry Ebelt, inglês, ensino

Roberto Henry Ebelt é professor, escritor, escreveu uma coluna semanal para o Jornal do Comércio de Porto Alegre entre 2001 e 2013, e é diretor do curso HENRY'S BUSINESS ENGLISH desde 1971.

Seu mais recente livro, O QUE VOCÊ DEVE SABER ANTES DE ESTUDAR INGLÊS, pode ser encontrado nas livrarias Disal, Cultura e SBS ou à rua Hoffmann, 728 em Porto Alegre.

E-mail: roberto@henrys.com.br
Fone (51) 3222-3144
Página no Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/henrysbusinessnglish/?pnref=lhc

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